The day I cried in Primark

Today I cried.

In Primark.

Properly cried, trying to hide it from the other bargain-hunting shoppers who I hope had better things to do than stare.

Why?

Because it’s hot outside, the sun is shining and I can’t find anything to wear. It’s hard enough to feel confident during the cold, winter months when you can layer up and pretend that underneath your big baggy jumper is a svelte and toned body. You can blame looking fat on wearing a big coat. You can blame BEING fat on eating comfort food and over indulging at Christmas.


But what do you do when it is too hot to wear long sleeved tops and you can’t bear to bare (sorry) any inch of flesh.

I truly hate the way I look. Shopping is an ordeal. I’ve given up on ever dressing ‘fashionably’ and I’m certainly no ‘yummy mummy’. I dress for comfort at all times, the issue being that dressing physically comfortable on hot days is not emotionally or mentally comfortable and will often leave me sobbing.

It’s easy to say ‘just diet’, just eat less’ and ‘just exercise more’ but I’m struggling. There aren’t any excuses. I don’t eat loads but I don’t always eat well. I never get the opportunity to exercise. Going to the gym has never appealed to me and going to a group class is expensive and requires time and energy that I just don’t have.

I’ve lost weight recently, not much, just a couple of pounds. I’m an average size 14, big boobs, smaller waist and big bum. My thighs are chunkier than I’d like, as are my arms. My tummy fluctuates all the time but is always flabby. It’s weird, but I *almost* prefer myself in just underwear. It’s just when I put clothes on that I hate myself.

It’s not just my body. It’s my hair. My face. If I could I would be tempted to remodel every single part of me.

But I can’t.

And so today, whilst looking in vain for something really cheap, in which I can feel comfortable and perhaps look good (or not awful, I’d settle for that) I ended up balling me eyes out. I had to leave the shop and walk the long way round to the bus stop in order to avoid being stared at.

Why am I telling you this? I guess it is because I want this blog to be a true and accurate reflection of me, and I am a person who can’t stand the way she looks. It’s also helped to write it down and acknowledge that I need to do something to change the way I’m feeling. I know I need to get in photos with my kids more but right now I can’t face it. I know I need to do something, I just don’t know what.

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